Recently the actress and lifestyle guru Gwyneth Paltrow shared an instructional video outlining her skincare routine. “I believe that beauty and wellness are inextricably linked,” said Paltrow.
I, too, would like to be well and beautiful, so I watched, hoping to garner some ideas for my aging face. I certainly can’t gain Paltrow-level skin, but maybe Paltrow adjacent? Here are the official steps of Gwyneth Paltrow’s Guide to Everyday Skin Care and Wellness:
Step 1: Drink a smoothy with nut milk, almond butter, and a “good quality” protein powder. She doesn’t give the recipe. I can’t determine a price either, so I’m forced to move on.
Step 2: Dry Brush Your Entire Body: Paltrow brushes her skin from the toes up. She says this helps exfoliation, circulation and produces “other benefits.” At my age, my skin requires extraordinary measures to sluff off. At $20, the Goop Dry Brush is financially doable. I’m also in need of “other benefits?” Mark me down for Step 2!
Step 3: Transcendental meditation: “One of the most critical parts of my morning routine…is my meditation practice,” says Paltrow. My brain, much like my skin, seems to need sluffing off or nut milk or something to get it working properly these days. Since there’s no incidental cost to transcendental meditation, I might try it. If I can remember.
Step 4: Goop Glow Microderm Instant Glow Exfoliator: Paltrow is an “exfoliating junky” and can’t live without this step. A $125 price point is too rich for my blood, so I will have to settle for a matte finish.
Steps 5: Vintner’s Daughter™ Serum: Paltrow calls this serum and other non-toxic products “efficacious.” It’s $185. The marketing materials tout the serum as liquid gold. I don’t have actual gold bars in my purse, so hard pass, efficacious or not.
Step 6 & 7: Jillian Dempsey hydrating eye pads and sculpting vibrating gold bar thingy. These two steps cost $270. Paltrow says even she only performs them for special occasions, like photoshoots. Ostensibly, skipping these steps won’t impede my overall Paltrow-level results on my non-photo shoot days.
Step 8: Weleda Skin Food: Praise be, this costs $15, and you can get it at Target. Boom. Now we’re talking.
Step 9: Unsun Mineral Sunscreen: This $30 product is “clean” and certified as free of toxic chemicals. Paltrow says she believes strongly in clean, non-toxic everything and created the Goop line of products with that mission in mind. (Remember this, it shall be important later.)
Step 10: Goop Glow Lotion: “It gives your skin an amazing little pick me up.” $58 isn’t little. So I won’t be glowing.
Ten steps later and Paltrow’s everyday skincare routine is complete. I tallied the cost at $700. But then Paltrow drops this nugget. This is her daytime routine. She has an entirely different rigmarole for night. I can’t decide if I’m angry or saddened. This beautiful woman is tied to an unrelenting protocol.
My aim was to modify the Paltrow Plan and cobble together a Regnier Regimen but ten steps? And that’s just the a.m. deal? My resolve has faded faster than my glow.
An advertisement then interrupted my social media feed. It was Paltrow again, looking stunning while promoting something called Xeomin®. Wait, that wasn’t in the ten steps. What’s Xeomin? Is it Scientology?
Turns out Xeomin® is a biotoxin Botox-like facial injection. One session is 500-bones, at least. Based on the ad, botulism toxin is efficacious as heck.
After outlining a regime that required $700 for non-toxic creams, Paltrow’s getting paid to endorse a line of toxins injected into the face to reduce wrinkles. I’m so confused. Perhaps you need to get the endorsement cash to pay for the ten steps.
The furrow in my brow deepens, unabated. Maybe I’ll just get bangs.
Originally published in the Monroe News